


The Emperor's New Black

by DancesWithSeatbelts



Category: The Flash - All Media Types
Genre: F/M, Foolishness, Humour, Massive Fairy Tale AU, Reverse Fairy Tale, Snowells, implied Iris x Barry, late entry for day 4, ralph is the best choice as court jester, snowells 2019, still an entry, tongue-in-cheek humour
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-26
Updated: 2019-06-26
Packaged: 2020-05-19 21:56:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,724
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19364725
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DancesWithSeatbelts/pseuds/DancesWithSeatbelts
Summary: Created for Snowells 2019, day 4's prompt of 'Reverse Fairy Tale' ~ and thanks to my good friend Impractical Demon for her assistance with grammar and the title (her genius idea).What's a wife to do when her husband's fashion choices are limited to black, black and more blah...uh, basic black? Well, if you're the Empress of Centralium you engage the services of a famous designer who's engineered wondrous new pigments.





	The Emperor's New Black

In the cold land of the north was a kingdom famous for soothsayers and welcoming the fae; its name - Centralium. T’was ruled by an Emperor and his Empress: Harrison the Magnificent and Caitlin the Frosty.

Life was good. The people of Centralium were kind and generous folks because the Emperor and Empress were kind and generous themselves. War had been eradicated eons ago and the citizens were dedicated to art, education, and the pursuit of pleasure. Not the smutty kind of pleasure - well, maybe some of them were. It takes all kinds, doncha know.

Even with a wide path, life as good and pleasant as was enjoyed in Centralium wasn't always smooth. Case in point, Empress Caitlin was fretting this fine day.

"My dear lady-in-waiting, Iris! What shall I do about Emperor Harry's dismal fashion sense?"

"Ooh, it would be fair astonishing to see the Emperor in clothes of colour!" Iris clapped her hands and giggled. "No matter the day, he eschews any hue bolder than the darkest!"

Empress Caitlin set down her scientific journal and sighed. "That man refuses even the clothing gifts of his first born, Jesse."

"Your step-daughter has put up with him much longer, and still has not been able to urge him to don colours." Iris bounded out of her chair and held up the news journal she favoured reading to Empress Caitlin. "This says a new fashion designer has come up with a new pigment!"

"Most wondrous!" Empress Caitlin took the news journal and read the article. "Iris, please issue an invitation to Senor Ramon and as many assistants as he will require to create a wardrobe for my husband."

><><><><><

Bartholomew the inept, as he was called in the village of his birth, nodded to his master, Senor Ramon. "You've received an invitation to clothe the Emperor of Centralium."

"I'm just that good." Senor Ramon smirked, and leaned back further in his chair. "Did the invitation say how much they're paying?"

"Yes."

"…" Senor Ramon sighed. "Well, how much?!"

><><><><

Iris welcomed Senor Ramon and his very cute aid, Bartholomew into the castle. "The Empress Caitlin will receive you in the Grand Chamber after you've settled into your suite of work rooms." She led them directly to a grand door and pushed it open. "Your rooms! The baggage will arrive shortly."

"Can we get some hot bean water?" Bartholomew flinched as his boss scowled at him, already holding up his hands in a mea culpa gesture.

Iris moved closer and smiled, patting his arm. "Of course! And you just let me know if there's anything else thou dost require."

"Away wench." Senor Ramon pouted. "My servant needs to work."

"I'm the chief lady-in-waiting." Iris lost her winsome smile, crossed her arms, and began to tap her foot. "For Empress Caitlin of Centralium. I have her ear, and this is how you begin?"

"I mean, you must have better things to do than waste time on us… My servant needs to unpack my supplies." The fashion designer grinned in a sickly manner as Iris continued to look less than impressed. "Y'know what? I can do the unpacking. Don't worry about me, why don't you see if there's anything Bartholomew can help you with?"

"Such a fine idea." Iris held out her hand and sailed away with the love-struck Bartholomew.

The door slammed shut, and Senor Ramon sulked. "Nobody ever thinks I'm cute."

><><><><><

"Knock, knock!"

Emperor Harrison sighed. "Who's there?"

Ralph, the court jester chortled with glee. "Orange."

"Orange who?"

"Shit! I meant banana!" Ralph slapped his face. "Can I start over?"

"No, that's more than enough." Emperor Harrison rolled his eyes. "Why are you still under my employ?"

"I'm family."

"Distant family."

"And you owed my mom a favour, so here we are." Ralph shrugged. "Imma take a break, maybe you'll have more of a sense of humour later." He pitched his jingling, bell-covered hat into the corner and stalked off towards the kitchens.

"Dear, I hope your rein in you temper for the surprise I have arranged." Empress Caitlin took a sip of the newest treat to sweep the country, hot bean water. "Ah, this hits the spot."

Emperor Harrison rose out of his throne, took the chalice from his wife's hands, and enjoyed a few gulps of the liquid before handing it back. "Indeed, 'tis delicious, but my temper suffers no fools gladly."

"Did you want to sleep alone?"

"Oh my, I'm feeling much more good-natured." Emperor Harrison fake-smiled at his wife.

But it was enough that he was pretending, and Empress Caitlin winked back at her adorably grumpy husband. "Also, once we retire for the night, I don't feel like sleeping."

A real smile - well, more of a smirk - graced his face. "Same."

"But we have a bit of time before that happy occasion…" Caitlin clapped her hands and pointed. "Here comes my surprise!"

"Greetings and salutations." Senor Ramon swaggered down the red carpet leading to the thrones. "I congratulate you on choosing Ramon Fashion for your needs, and know that you're about to join over a hundred well-satisfied customers."

"Is this what I think it is?"

Caitlin shrugged. "You need more colour in your clothes."

"No, I don't."

"Yes, you do."

"No."

"Yes."

As the Emperor and Empress 'discussed' the matter, they totally ignored Senor Ramon, who began to get a little teary eyed from the lack of attention.

"No."

"Yes, and don't say 'no,' again." Caitlin frowned.

"Nope." Harrison let the 'p' pop as he spoke. "Black suits me, and suits all my needs."

"But he's created new shades of colours!"

"Mmmm." Harrison nodded. "Okay, new clothes for me, but on one condition."

"Whatever you want."

"New clothes in a new shade of black."

"…fuck." Caitlin mumbled her curse word. "I had him summoned from the hinterlands. Could you at least add one garment in an actual colour?"

Harrison stroked his chin and came back with an offer. "Will you do that one thing I really like?"

"You drive a hard bargain." Caitlin smiled. "I happen to like that too. It's a deal."

><><><><

Senor Ramon stewed in his rooms, counting the minutes until Bartholomew returned from his scenic tour of the castle. Iris had swept into their chambers an hour ago and taken him for what she'd called 'a short little walk.' Pfft. Liar. He rubbed his forehead and looked at his equipment, which was half-unpacked and in no real sense of order.

"Gah!" He stomped over to his sketchbook and flipped through the pages he'd worked on before they'd actually travelled to Centralium. "No help, no nothing… they get what they get."

Senor Ramon hired a few of the castle seamstresses to help him out--paying lavishly after one little comment from Iris--and hid his murderous rage that she was still monopolizing Bartholomew's time. He even made the silk pyjamas that matched Emperor Harrison's eyes exactly, personally. Senor Ramon worked much harder than he was used to, and was able to present the new wardrobe in under a week.

><><><><><

"And this is what I call 'Centralium-black.' It's the deepest shade of black ever, and only the most sophisticated people can discern this new black from regular old black." Senor Ramon held up a nice dress shirt with lots of buttons, and displayed it to the Emperor and Empress and then the oohing crowd of court-people. "Behold as I compare it to the beautiful blue of the silk night attire, isn’t the contrast amazing?"

Applause, cheering, and assorted shouts interrupted Senor Ramon's explanation, but he was still very happy.

"I can tell the difference!" Ralph, once again wearing his jingling cap, elbowed the person he stood next to. "It's the darkest black I've ever seen!"

"Oh yeah, you're right - it's incredibly black!"

More and more voices asserted how black, and differently black, the new clothes were - and Senor Ramon smiled wider and wider with each new person's insistence that the Centralium-black was ever so much better than the boring-ass prevalent basic black.

Empress Caitlin looked at the giant pile of new black clothes she'd purchased for her husband and the black clothes he was currently wearing. She listened to the crowd and then did her best to tune them out. "Dear, this black looks just like your old black."

"Looks good to me." Emperor Harrison shrugged. "I'll wear the new pyjamas tonight."

"Not for long."

"What?"

The Emperor and Empress quite forgot they were holding an audience.

"I think the new black is a wonderful distinctive shade of black." Harrison held up a new black sweater over the current black sweater he was wearing. "This is very stylish!"

"It's the same shade as old black!"

"It's Centralium black!"

Ralph began clapping and shouted, "That's the best Centralium black sweater I've ever seen! I'm uber sophisticated y'know!"

"I see it too!"

"Me too!"

Caitlin rolled her eyes. "Dear, those are both the same shade of black."

Harrison scoffed. "They aren't, they can't be."

"They're the same."

"Different."

"Same."

"Different."

"Same."

"Diff-"

Caitlin crossed her arms and levelled the most serious frown at her disposal at her husband. "They are the same shade of black. I'm not going to tell you they're different just because that's what you want to hear."

"But the new one does look blacker!"

"Oh my god, Harry! You dork! The new one hasn't been washed yet. Once it does, it'll get faded like all your other clothes!"

"Oh." Harrison looked out at all their loyal subjects arguing over how majestic the Centralium black looked compared to basic black. "This isn't good."

"Ya think?" Caitlin stood up and grabbed her husband's hand, addressing the court. "Tonight's audience is at an end, tomorrow we have an announcement."

Harrison whispered, "What are we announcing?"

Caitlin answered, "Senor Ramon is a cheat, but don't worry. I didn't pay him yet."

"You're the best."

"I know."

Harrison snagged a handful of his new clothes as they exited the throne room, making sure to take the pyjamas. In the privacy of their bedroom Harrison dropped the garments, rooting through to find the thin blue silk pjs. "These look nice at least."

"Yes, they're very nice." Caitlin stepped closer and stroked Harrison's cheek. "But I was wrong."

"About?"

"You needing new clothes. I've thought it over, and I prefer you naked."

Harrison smiled wolfishly. "That can be arranged."

 

>>fin<<


End file.
